


Ceremony of Innocence

by isabeau



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Kinda old fic (pre-2005), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-01
Updated: 2005-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-18 07:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/186501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isabeau/pseuds/isabeau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan has issues with the Naboo assignment, and the Jedi Council acts stupidly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ceremony of Innocence

"I don't like it." Mace Windu rubbed the side of his face, scowling. "I  
really don't like it."

Master Yoda, as always, was implacable. "Do it we must."

"There _has_ to be another way!"

"No other way," Yaddle said, a bit impatiently. "Lifebond they  
had. Unfinished it was. Great pain the boy has. Pain that deep...lead  
him to the Dark Side, it may."

Ki-Adi-Mundi shifted in his chair. "I can't say I like doing this, but I  
don't like doing nothing, either. If we allow this to continue, he'll  
either die from grief or go mad; and the boy he insists on taking as his  
apprentice can only do the same."

Mace's mouth was a hard thin line. "That doesn't excuse messing with his  
mind."

"For his own good it is," Yoda said.

Several heads nodded. Mace looked from Council member to another, and  
finally sighed. "If this is the Council's will," he said tightly, "I will  
abide by it. But I will not participate. Qui-Gon was my _friend_." The  
words rang out a bit too loudly in the Council chambers, and Mace  
swallowed. "Qui-Gon Jinn was my friend, and he was a damn good Jedi. I  
won't just pretend he never existed. I _can't_."

Yoda made a soft chirruping sound. "For the Padawan's sake we do this.  
Not yours."

"Do we know it will work?" Adi Gallia asked quietly. Her narrowed blue  
eyes were full of a politician's distant, cautious sympathy. "We are not  
erasing the lifebond, only eliminating in his mind the other end. The  
bond will still exist in him, even if apparently untethered. Will this  
not be just as destructive?"

"It should be more bearable," Ki-Adi-Mundi said. "The boy cannot grieve  
for someone who never existed; an imagined friend cannot die. He will  
feel half-forgotten sorrow, but not know for what. I do not think the  
grief will destroy him."

"These are just guesses, though? You do not know for certain?"

Ki-Adi-Mundi bowed his head. "We cannot know."

"Decide we must." Yoda raised one hand. "Do, or not do."

"I still think this is crazy," Mace Windu said in a low, angry voice. "I  
vote no."

"Abstain," Adi Gallia said.

"I...vote yes." Ki-Adi-Mundi didn't look at Windu.

One by one, the Council members voted. Yoda was the last, and he sat  
quietly for a moment, as if pondering a vote that would affect the  
outcome. Finally he stirred, ears flattening a bit. "Vote yes, I do," he  
said. "Ten yes votes there are. One against. One abstention. Decided  
we are. Do this we will"

Mace Windu stood up, eyes narrowed. "That is the Council's will," he said  
with a tight bow. "I wish it were different." Whirling, he stalked out,  
robes flapping after him like some landbound bird.

Yoda bowed his head. "Wish that also, I do," he murmured.

* * *

Obi-Wan knelt in the Temple gardens. He held very still, like a perfectly  
painted cold-marble statue, barely even breathing. The Force whispered  
quietly around him, almost as if he weren't there.

He liked it that way. Alone, without even the whispering sympathy of the  
Force, he had only to endure himself. Alone, he could feel numb.

Slowly he became aware of footsteps approaching him, stopping; a pace more,  
and stopping. The Force could have told him who it was, but he didn't  
want to listen to the Force, not right now.

"Obi-Wan?" It sounded like Mace Windu.

 _Go away,_ Obi-Wan wanted to say. _Go away and leave me alone. I don't  
want you. You don't want me._ But aloud, he said only, "Yes?"

"I wanted to talk." Mace knelt next to him, arranging his robes  
carefully. "To see how you were doing."

 _How do you expect me to be? I've lost my Master. I should hurt. I  
should be more than numb._ "Fine."

"You've closed yourself off from the Force." It was a statement, not a  
question. Obi-Wan could feel the Jedi Master's gaze, direct and  
unblinking.

 _I don't want the Force. Qui-Gon was Force. Qui-Gon..._ Obi-Wan  
shrugged. "Yes."

"That isn't terribly healthy," Mace Windu murmured.

There was no response Obi-Wan could think of to give, so he gave none.

"Obi-Wan?"

 _Go away. Leave me alone. goawaygoawaygoaway._ "Yes?"

"What would you want, if we, the Council, could give you anything?"

"Anything?" _To have Qui-Gon back. To have had the chance to give my  
life for him. To have been there, fighting by his side. To die, so that  
the pain might leave and I go to the Force with my Master._ Haltingly, he  
said the only thing he could: "To...to forget."

Mace Windu nodded slowly. "If you need anything...I will be here."

 _I don't want anything. I just want to be left alone. I just want  
peace._ "Thank you, Master."

Mace Windu stood, and slowly, very slowly, walked away, leaving Obi-Wan  
alone with the emptiness of a silent Force.

* * *

"I thought you weren't going to involve yourself," Ki-Adi-Mundi said  
softly. Under different circumstances, he might have been teasing. Now  
he just looked at Mace Windu solemnly.

Mace looked back equally solenmly. "I am a member of this Council. I  
must be here. Even if all I do is watch."

Ki-Adi-Mundi bowed. "It is good."

"No," Mace said. "It isn't good. None of this is good."

"Kenobi is here." The murmur flew around the Council chambers even before  
Mace Windu saw the Padawan. Obi-Wan looked like a lost child, standing  
alone in the middle of the chamber floor, hands tucked up inside the  
sleeves of a robe that looked too big for him.

Had he ever appeared alone before the Council? Mace wondered, thinking  
back. No memories came to mind. Always, either Qui-Gon had been with  
him, one as the other's shadow, or he had been speaking for Qui-Gon and  
could affect his Master's presence.

Saesee Tiin stepped forward until he was a few paces away from Obi-Wan.  
"Padawan Kenobi, do you know why you are here? Do you know why we have  
summoned you?"

Obi-Wan flinched back a bit from the tall, scowling Jedi Master. "No," he  
said, so quiet it was almost inaudible, "but I expect you will tell me."

"It is rare for a Padawan to lose his Master, or for a Master to lose his  
Padawan." Tiin's voice was gravelly but even-toned. "But when it  
happens, adjustment is hard. To achieve the proper balance with the  
Force, the proper peace, is hard."

"And you think you can help me." Obi-Wan tilted his head to one side.

"Yes. We do. We can." Tiin started circling around Obi-Wan, moving like  
a hunting predator. "Pain is healthy to a point, but beyond that point...  
It shuts you off from the Force, or turns you to the Dark."

Obi-Wan stayed silent, but Mace thought he saw a tremble within the large  
sleeves.

"We do this to help." Tiin's voice had dropped to a low, hypnotic  
rumble. "You have taken Skywalker as your apprentice; you cannot help him  
as you are. If we have your approval, your help, this will go smoothly.  
Will you allow it?"

Obi-Wan shrugged. "If that is the Council's will." There was no emotion  
to the voice. No fear, no worry, no pleasure, no sorrow. Mace Windu  
shivered at the flat, empty sound.

"Then listen to me." There was a strange ring to Tiin's words as he  
focused his telepathy, an overtone that sounded in the back of the head.  
"Padawan Kenobi, listen. Listen to my words, and believe. Listen and  
believe, because what I tell you is the truth, is _your_ truth. You must  
believe what I say. The man you know as Qui-Gon Jinn, the man you knew as  
your Master, does not exist. He never existed. You have no memories of  
him; you have no knowledge of him. He does not exist to you. There is  
not and never was such a Jedi. Do you hear?"

Obi-Wan was silent.

Tiin turned to the Council. "He is blocking me by reflex," he said. "I  
need your help. Add your strengths to mine."

One by one, all but Mace complied. The air in the Council chambers was  
thick with resonances of the Force. Tiin met Mace's gaze and nodded  
slowly, then turned back to Kenobi.

"Listen to me, Padawan Kenobi," he said, and the telepathy was so strong  
it made Mace's head hurt. "There is no Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn. There never  
was. Believe it. Believe me."

"No!" Obi-Wan cried suddenly, falling to his knees and then to his side.  
"I cannot. I'm sorry. I can't."

"You must." Kiin stood over the Padawan. "Listen. Believe. Yoda is  
your Master, and always has been. Qui-Gon does not exist. You never knew  
him. You have no memories."

Obi-Wan started sobbing, hands over his face. "No. No."

Kiin knelt, touching his hands to Obi-Wan's, concentrating the telepathy  
by thought alone, without words. A Jedi's mental training was powerful,  
but Kiin, with the power of the Council behind him, was stronger. At  
last, Obi-Wan stiffened with one long silent shudder, and then relaxed  
suddenly. Kiin stepped back. "It is done," he said. "He will not  
remember."

There was a long moment of silence. Slowly, Obi-Wan got to his feet,  
looking as shaky as a newborn colt. "My head hurts," he said quietly,  
plaintively. "May I have the Council's permission to leave?"

Saesee Tiin nodded. "You may."

"Padawan Kenobi," Eeth Koth said, leaning forward. "If you wish another  
Jedi to take the teaching of Anakin Skywalker--"

"No. I must. I must, because..." Obi-Wan stopped, brow furrowed.  
"Because...I promised...someone..." He shook his head. "There's a  
reason, I know there is, but I can't quite recall. My apologies."

"None needed." Koth leaned back again. "If you wish to keep him as  
yours, you may."

"Thank you, Master." Head bowed, Obi-Wan left.

* * *

It took time for a Jedi's essence to accustom itself to not having a  
body. Learning how to talk, how to project sound through the Force, was a  
step. Projection, the appearance of a body, took longer.

Blind, isolated, feeling only the threads of emotion from his Padawan,  
Qui-Gon Jinn fought against the Force, fought against the time it took.  
Patience was trained into the Jedi; patience was a lesson the Force  
taught, over and over again. But it was hard for him to be patient when  
he could feel his Padawan's sorrow, sharp spikes of grief masked by  
dullness.

In time, the dullness grew, until all Qui-Gon could sense through the bond  
was a grey nothing. Angry, he chafed at his own slowness, chafed at the  
despair which was threatening to swallow him as it was threatening his  
Padawan.

//Obi-Wan,// he sent through the Force when he could. //Obi-Wan. Can you  
hear me?//

The only response was a sense of quizzical listening. Qui-Gon tried to  
calm a sudden panic. //Obi-Wan, can you hear me?//

There was a hesitant //Yes...?// but no sense of welcoming.

//Obi-Wan, I am with you. I will always be with you.//

Quizzical, impersonal denial.

Qui-Gon chafed. He didn't know whether Obi-Wan couldn't hear, couldn't  
recognize him, or was showing anger. He had to be there. Focus, he told  
himself, forcing the memory of a body. It was like so; and he appeared  
 _so_ ; and it was done.

He had no thought other than Obi-Wan. There was the child, Anakin, but  
there was also a promise that Anakin would be trained properly. Anakin  
could wait. Qui-Gon focused on Obi-Wan through the Force, and went to  
him.

Obi-Wan was sitting alone when Qui-Gon appeared. "Can I help you?" he  
asked, politely if distantly, squinting at the shimmering blue  
Force-ghost.

Qui-Gon blinked. "I...you don't recognize me?"

"Should I?" Obi-Wan's brow furrowed a bit. "I'm sorry. Who are you?"

"Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon stopped, uncertain of what to say, and frowned.  
"Your Master, Qui-Gon Jinn."

"Yoda is my Master," Obi-Wan said dully, looking away. "I do not know  
you. I'm sorry."

There was a moment's baffled silence. "Obi-Wan, I am your Master. I have  
been your only Master." He spoke gently, as to a stubborn frightened  
child. "Listen to the Force, Obi-Wan, Padawan. It will tell you what you  
need to hear." He took a cautious step forward. "I'm here, Obi-Wan. I  
can help you--"

"Stop!" Obi-Wan put his hands over his head, forearms pressing against  
his ears to shut out all noise, and closed his eyes tightly. "Yoda is my  
Master," he repeated, rocking back and forth. "I do not know you. Yoda  
is and always has been my master. I do not know you. I do not want your  
help. I do not..." His voice caught, and he looked like he was about to  
cry. "I have dreams about you," he whispered. "I have dreams...are you  
real?"

"Force, yes, I'm real." Qui-Gon wanted to hold his Padawan, to rock him  
and comfort him and do all the things that one really needed a body to do  
properly.

Obi-Wan laughed brokenly, still rocking, still with his eyes closed. "I  
don't know what's real any more. I have dreams about you, but I've never  
seen you before. Yoda is my Master, but you say you are my Master also.  
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know."

Qui-Gon watched him for a minute, scowling with concern, and then  
disappeared to track down Mace Windu through the Force. There were some  
questions he needed answered.

* * *

"Sith!" Mace yelped, as Qui-Gon appeared practically under his nose.  
"Qui-Gon, dammit, don't _do_ that. Give me some warning."

"Sorry," Qui-Gon said, and cocked his head. "You recognize me."

"Of course I do."

Qui-Gon nodded slowly. "Then it isn't me. Mace?"

"Yes?"

"What the _hell_ is wrong with Obi-Wan?"

 _Oh, dear._ "I...I'm not sure what you mean, exactly," he said,  
stalling. _We should have seen this coming._ A Master gone to the Force  
would contact his Padawan first. And in this case, the Padawan wouldn't  
be able to know his Master.

"I spoke to him, and he wouldn't listen-- he shut me out, I don't know  
why. I appeared to him, and he didn't know me. Yoda is his Master and  
always has been, he insists." Qui-Gon was bright-blue with agitation.  
"He has dreams about me, but he doesn't know who I am and doesn't think  
I'm real."

"I see." Mace closed his eyes, trying to think.

"I know my Padawan; I know what he can do, and what he can't do. He's not  
dealing with this, Mace, not in the way he should be. There's something  
wrong, and he's cracking. This isn't like him. I need to know what's  
wrong with him. I need to know how I can help."

There was hollow pain in Qui-Gon's voice, and Mace swallowed hard.  
"You...you can't help, I don't think." There was a bench, set in a  
recess of the wall. Mace sat down and stared at the floor. "You and he  
had a lifebond."

"I know," Qui-Gon said quietly.

 _Just tell him,_ Mace told himself. _He needs to know; and he's going to  
find out, at some point._ "Obi-Wan was having...difficulty dealing with  
your death. There are ways to heal...ways to grieve...but he was shutting  
out the Force, shutting out anyone who would help. Possibly shutting out  
your voice."

Qui-Gon crossed his arms, waiting.

Mace took a deep breath and continued. "The Council decided that it would  
be best if he didn't know you existed...if he didn't have anything to  
grieve for. They..." Mace gestured vaguely. "...made him think that he  
was never yours."

"I see." Qui-Gon sat down on the bench. "Well. I hadn't realized they  
were capable of such utter idiocy."

"Neither had I." Mace shrugged. "I voted no."

Qui-Gon looked at him sharply. "Did any others?"

"One abstention. That was it."

Qui-Gon muttered something under his breath. Mace couldn't hear it, and  
wasn't sure he wanted to. "Thank you," Qui-Gon said stiffly, standing  
up. "I think it's time for me to have a talk with Master Yoda."

"Good luck. And...Qui-Gon? I'm sorry."

Qui-Gon nodded, smiled thinly, and disappeared.

* * *

"I can't believe the Council was _stupid_ enough to do this."

Yoda looked impassively up at Qui-Gon. "Stupid, were we?"

Qui-Gon sighed. "It isn't a personal thing, Master. And I know...I  
assume...you were acting as you thought best. Master Yoda, have you seen  
Obi-Wan lately? He's not even sane."

"Saw him before we acted, I did. Dying inside, he was. Is that better?"

"Grief heals, Master Yoda. Time, and the Force, they are good for many  
things. What did you do, take his memories of me? Take away part of what  
made him who he is?"

Yoda's ears flattened. "Think a lot of yourself, you do."

Qui-Gon growled softly. "I am his Master. For better or for worse, all  
Masters shape their Padawans. It is a consequence of the relationship."

Yoda bowed his head.

"What you have done, it is not something the Force can mend. Why did you  
do it, Master? The Force is not something given to us to play God, to  
shape another man's mind."

Yoda pulled himself up to his full height of a little over two feet.  
"Lecture me, you do? Lecture me on what proper is, on what the Force is  
used for? Hmm?"

Qui-Gon didn't back down. "Yes, I do, dammit, because obviously _you_  
don't have enough sense to recognize what right is."

Yoda looked furious for a moment, and then suddenly calmed down. Somehow,  
the calm was more frightening. "Master Jinn."

"Yes, Master Yoda."

"Did you acknowledge the lifebond? Hmm? Chose another Padawan, you had.  
Alone your Kenobi felt, even before your death. Force does not heal  
everything, Qui-Gon. Do what we can, we must. That is all. Wrong we are  
sometimes. Still, we can do no more."

Qui-Gon sighed as the anger deflated out of him, swallowed by the Force.  
"I'm sorry, Master. My anger...perhaps it is at myself, not you, not the  
Council. I want Kenobi-- my Padawan-- I just want him to smile again. I  
want him to live. And I want...wanted...him to remember me, as he is my  
only legacy."

Yoda's eyelids drooped a bit with sympathy. "Understand, I do."

"Master Yoda?"

"Hmmm?"

"Is there a way to heal him?"

"...I do not know."

Qui-Gon flinched and closed his eyes. "I need him to live, Master Yoda."

"As do we."

"Will you help?"

"Do what we can, we will. It is all we have ever tried to do."

"Try harder."

Yoda almost smiled. "Yes, Master Jinn."

* * *

There was a garden in the Temple full of delicate-looking white flowers  
that made a soft chiming sound with the slightest breeze. Obi-Wan walked  
slowly through the garden, brushing his hands against the thin plants,  
listening to the almost harmonic laughter of the flowers as he passed  
through.

Somehow, this garden made him comfortable, almost peaceful. He wasn't  
certain why, but he didn't question it.

In the center to the garden was a ring of flowers bred to be a translucent  
red color. Obi-Wan knelt inside the circle, thinking about the two Jedi  
who both held claim to him as Master.

Did he dare believe the one who called him Padawan? No one could lie  
through the Force. But what he said went aganst everything Obi-Wan  
believed.

 _Yoda is my Master. He says this, and I must believe him. But this  
other-- Qui-Gon? If he is who he says he is, why do I not remember it?  
If he is not, why do I dream of him?_

Believe your instincts. That was what the Force taught. But what when  
instincts were divided? Obi-Wan bowed his head.

 _I don't know what to believe. Not any more._ And, plaintively: _I don't  
understand. I don't understand at all._

"You weren't meant to have reason to question your beliefs," a deep  
gravelly voice said behind him. "For that, I apologise."

Obi-Wan didn't turn. "I didn't hear you coming, Master Tiin."

"I walk softly," Tiin said with a bit of self-deprecating humor. "And you  
don't listen to the Force."

"Master Tiin?" Obi-Wan asked quietly.

The Iktotchi knelt in front of him. "I am here to apologise," he said  
hesitantly. "On behalf of the Council. I do not like to admit this, but  
we erred in our judgement with you."

Obi-Wan folded his hands in his lap and looked down at them. "Is it true,  
then, what Qui-Gon says?"

"He says he is your Master, I imagine."

"Is he?"

"Yes."

"Then why do I think Yoda is my Master? Why do I not remember--"

"Because we made you forget." Tiin was silent for a moment. "He...died  
in battle. You were there, and afterwards, you...you lost the Force. You  
were in danger from your grief."

"So you took the memories."

"We thought you would be more stable."

Obi-Wan looked up at Tiin for the first time. His hands were trembling  
with a rage he couldn't even feel fully. "How could you do this to me?  
What right had you? You took my memories, my knowledge, part of my  
 _life_. What gave you the right?"

"It was what you wanted. We thought it was what you needed."

"If what you say is true, I needed my Master. You could not give me  
that. But you did not try. You took away even the little I had of him,  
and gave me a Master that was never mine."

"It was an error. We can only apologise. I know it is not enough." Tiin  
sighed and stood up. "If there is anything we can do to help..."

"I have had enough of your _help_."

Tiin nodded and left with a rustle of robes brushing against the  
bell-flowers. Obi-Wan closed his eyes, bowed his head, and very quietly  
gave up trying to understand the universe.

* * *

"Saesee Tiin said I would find you here."

Silence.

"He also said he'd told you what they did to you."

Obi-Wan turned his head enough to see Qui-Gon's Force-ghost, but still  
didn't speak.

Qui-Gon spread his hand over the tops of the bell-flowers. "This was my  
favourite garden," he murmured, almost to himself. "I brought you here to  
heal, when you were sick with Xerxian flu. You said it...made you smile.  
Made you hurt less."

"I didn't remember that," Obi-Wan said. His voice sounded thick and  
uncertain. "There...is much I don't remember."

"I know. I'm sorry. I wish I could have come to you sooner...wish I  
could have stopped them."

Obi-Wan half-smiled. "Master?"

"Yes?"

"If the Council has taken my memories of you, what else is missing?"

He sounded lost. Qui-Gon felt a pulse of sympathetic grief, and a  
following pulse of anger at the Council. "I don't know."

"Neither do I." Obi-Wan covered his face. "I don't know anything any  
more. I don't know who to trust. I don't even know what's real, what's  
imagined, what's dream, what's...sanity."

"Oh, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon closed his eyes.

"Master...I'm sorry. I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry I've forgotten  
you. I'm sorry I can't be your Padawan any more."

"It's all right."

Tears were running freely from Obi-Wan's eyes, but his voice remained  
steady. "Master, if you are the one I promised, could you find another  
Jedi to train Anakin?"

"You won't?"

"No," Obi-Wan whispered. "I don't know how to think any more. I don't  
know what's real. How can I keep _him_ sane? How can I win his trust if  
I can't trust even myself?"

Qui-Gon nodded slowly. "I will see to it."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

Obi-Wan reached out as if to touch Qui-Gon. "I wish I could remember," he  
said softly. "You seem nice."

Qui-Gon tried to smile. "I, also, wish you could remember. You  
were...are...the best Padawan I knew. You will make a fine Knight."

"No. I won't."

Qui-Gon frowned. "I don't understand."

"I will not be a Knight. I will not be a Jedi." Obi-Wan looked up at  
him. "I can't live if I don't know what to believe. Every moment, every  
memory, might as easily be a product of the Council's 'gift' to me.  
Please forgive me."

There were ways of killing opponents with the Force, ways that cause  
instant, almost painless death. Qui-Gon had never heard of these ways  
used for suicide, so it was a moment before he understood what was  
happening. In that moment, Obi-Wan looked up at him, eyes dimming, and  
the corners of his mouth twitched upwards in the attempt at a smile.

"No--" Qui-Gon concentrated on using the Force to keep Obi-Wan alive, but  
the damage had been done. "No, please..."

An annoyingly rational part of his brain wanted to point out that the  
Obi-Wan that was now dead was not the Obi-Wan he had known; that the  
Padawan was in some sense dead when the Council had tried to save him.

 _Would it have hurt less,_ he wondered, _watching him exist, driven mad by  
his own memories?_

"Does life ever fail to hurt?" Tiin said quietly behind him.

"You sensed this." Qui-Gon said, gesturing at Obi-Wan's still body.

Tiin bowed his head. "I am sorry this happened. It was not our  
intention."

"Mine neither," Qui-Gon said, touching his Padawan's cheek. The hairs on  
Obi-Wan's arm bristled at the closeness of the Force-ghost. "Mine  
neither."

Silently, Tiin plucked an already-broken stalk of bell-flowers and placed  
it in one of Obi-Wan's limply outstretched hands. "He will be  
remembered."

Qui-Gon looked at the Council member, and said nothing.

~~ Turning and turning in the widening gyre  
~~ The falcon cannot hear the falconer;  
~~ Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;  
~~ Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,  
~~ The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere  
~~ The ceremony of innocence is drowned;  
~~ The best lack all conviction; the worst  
~~ Are full of passionate intensity.  



End file.
